Cruciatus
by Phoebonica
Summary: Set during Goblet of Fire. Neville's thoughts as he lies awake after Moody's first lesson.


Cruciatus  
  
Gillyweed: A greyish-green water weed which, when eaten, causes the user to develop gills, enabling them to remain underwater for up to two hours without fear of drowning...  
  
Drowning. That's what it feels like, sometimes. Like I'm trapped underwater, struggling to breathe. That's how I felt in Professor Moody's class this morning. I don't normally put my hand up like that, except in Herbology. Even if I think I know the answer. I'm scared of getting it wrong, of having everyone laugh. But I knew someone else would say it if I didn't, and I felt like I wanted to tell someone something. I can't tell them the whole story, of course. They'd stare at me when they thought I wasn't looking, and whisper behind their hands, like they still do with Harry sometimes. I couldn't stand it, having to think about it all the time. I'm not as brave as Harry, I wish I was. I sometimes think I've got it worse than he does though. I know that's awful, but when someone's dead... it's like that's it, it's over, you know? He doesn't have to see them every year, see what happened to... I don't want to think about it any more or I'll have nightmares. I'm trying to remember about the uses of plants that we did in Herbology. That's one thing I am good at, Herbology. Professor Sprout said so.  
  
Mandrake: Mandrake, or mandragora, is a powerful restorative. It is used to return people who have been transfigured or cursed to their original state. The cry of the mandrake is fatal to anyone who hears it...  
  
I heard them screaming all the time last year. That was when those Dementors were here. They're awful, Dementors. They make you remember things you don't ever want to think about. Sometimes they're screaming when I go to see them, sometimes they're all quiet, sometimes they seem pretty normal except they don't know who I am or who Gran is or who anybody is. But the screaming's the worst cos that's when I think about what they must've gone through. I mean, my dad was an Auror, he was really brave. And they hurt him so much he went insane. And that spider in Moody's class, it was all curled up and shaking and it was like I could see my dad's face on it, like it was my dad getting tortured again right in front of me and I wanted to get up and grab hold of Moody's arm and make him stop it but I just couldn't move... Hermione told him to stop. She could see what it was doing to me. She's really nice is Hermione, she helps me with my work when I don't know what to do, which is most of the time. I wish I was as clever as her. She's really pretty too. Draco Malfoy says she's got beaver teeth but he's just jealous cos she's better than him at everything and she's Muggleborn, and the Malfoys are supposed to be this long line of great pureblood wizards who are better than everyone at everything. Malfoy's a creep. Professor Moody should have left him as a ferret, he was much better looking that way. I ought to tell him that next time I see him but I won't, I'd be way too scared. Ron or Fred or George might say something like that but I couldn't. I'd go all red and start stuttering. I've never been any good at standing up for myself. Sometimes I think if my dad ever did realise who I was, he'd be really disappointed...  
  
Wolfsbane: In its natural state this plant is fatal to werewolves; however, as the active ingredient in a Wolfsbane Potion, it can enable those afflicted by this terrible curse to retain their minds during transformation...  
  
Professor Lupin was a werewolf, but you'd never have guessed. At least, I wouldn't. He was always really nice to me, he never complained when I got stuff wrong. He picked me to help him with the Boggart that time. He said he was sure I'd "perform admirably" and I did for once, even though I was dead scared when that Boggart came out of the cupboard. It was really funny though, seeing Professor Snape in my Gran's clothes. When we got back to the common room Dean did a picture of it with "SNAPE'S EVENING WEAR" underneath and gave it to me. I've got it hidden under my mattress cos I'm scared of what Snape might do if he ever finds it. Sometimes I think I'd be a lot better at Potions if it wasn't for him. A lot of it's to do with plants we learned about in Herbology. But when he looks at me I get tongue- tied and forget what I wanted to say. I wish Professor Lupin was still here. Professor Moody scares me with that eye, the way it looks right through you and keeps whizzing around the whole time. He gave me tea in his office after the lesson today, and he gave me a book about Mediterranean water plants because Professor Sprout said I was good at Herbology. He knows about my parents, I guess all the teachers know. I started crying and it was really embarrassing but I couldn't stop, but he didn't say I was a baby or anything, he just sat there and gave me tissues and said "It's okay, lad. It's okay but you've got to know. You've got to know." But I don't want to know. I don't want to think about it ever again.  
  
Lethe's Bramble: Used to augment spells of mind control and forgetting...  
  
That's what I'm famous for, isn't it? Forgetting. I don't even know where my Remembrall is, I haven't seen it since August. But it's typical Neville – the one thing I'd give anything in the world to forget about, I can't... 


End file.
